Song Of The Deadbird

How can I ever say
How it feels
To wake everyday
Stretching broken wings

To want
With your first breath
Each morning/ to soar
Up, up, up into the seventh

How can I speak
Of the pain of staying
Grounded/ Falling weights clipped
Onto my feet

Water-logged wings
Worthless wings
Broken wings
On a heart that longs to fly

How could I explain
Every step/ That
Ends the world
Blind-washed..

With hopes/ And dying dreams
Covered up/ With prayers of flight
Dreams built/ On barren land
No rocks/ For my foundation

The only bricks
Around here
The ones pinned
Around my fingers

Still to dream...

How could I laugh
Off/ Lusting for enthusiasts
Would you see
'Tis the enthusiasm I covet

Your laughter I'd steal
In black gloved fingers
Gripping/ Your life-force
Coming away under
The touch of my rage

A bargain? Two
For the price of one?
No indeed/ A heavy price
You'd live on.

As the shadow in my soul
The echo in my laughter
The stumble in my strength
The darkness in the rainbow
Of the colours of my joy

Stolen laughter, unwilling strength
I'd take it/ Make it
My own forever

Who are you, stranger?
Why should I care?
Stranger, rich stranger
No world for a thief

Cry out not
Nor resist
For the broken bird it is
Who avenges her skies

The Only Way Forward Is Through

The only way forward

Is through...

And through, and through

And through

Some loves meant 

To be endgame

His truth is truth

Listen, an epic saga

From all the ages ago

The way forward

The road to the next

The raw truth

Is lies and dreams 

And what ifs

The tweaking of history

Bitterness of regret

The truth that no-

One dares to face

The truth that spills

Out when I lie 

The truth 

In my eyes

The truth

In my heart

Listen

To the lies 

I sing/ Listen

His truth, their story

A lost dream

From ages since

And the only way 

Past/ Is through

Is through

Strange, Stranger, Strangeness

Eyes downcast
Down, down in my mind
A veil was drawn 
Drawn, down in my mind 

Hands clasped by a window 
A sad wind in my hair 
Waiting for someone 
I'm sure not to see again 

Tears falling upwards
Up, up in my mind 
Toes dancing quietly
Dancing, up in my mind 

The song of quiet despair 
Ever the song of my heart 
The song of numb indifference 
Playing over my mind 

Footsteps walk away
Away, away in my mind 
Eyes that go on looking away 
Away, away in my mind 

I don't stop to wonder 
I don't stop to cry 
I don't stop to think 
Quietly, down in my mind 

Life's moving fast and sure 
I've thought to swim against the tide 
Death or despair lurks surer here 
Unimportant, down here in my mind 

Words I'd never say
Spoken, spoken in my mind 
Thoughts I'd never release 
Dying, unspoken in my mind

The future looks grim, unwanted 
The future looks cold and full
Of strangers and strangeness
All strange, strange in my mind 

The silence is deafening
So deafening, so deafening 
So loud I can no longer hear it 
The biggest soundtrack to my mind 

Thoughts that go on winding 
Thoughts that come winding back 
I'll be sure of only an upgrade 
Dancing, up here in my dreams 

I could never do this
Wails a voiceless voice in my mind
I laugh right back at it 
Then what, what is this here tonight

Gift of Ants

Dreams/ My tangled thoughts
In and out they weave
Faces/ New and old and
Imagined/ The handsome, the hated
The ones that deserve death

By fire/ The same ones as would have
Consigned their fellow creatures
To brief punishments followed through
To the end/ Projects of misery and joy
Straining to stay on the path

Clothes and shoes and bags
The hallmarks of a fashion dance
The conductor, the choreographer
Patient and conniving/ How did you
Forget about the watchful eyes

Everywhere
Ants/ On me, under me, crawling
All over me/ They sting
Me awake and back into sleep
The lullabies of a summer heat wave

It's time to leave/ These confused dreams
Will never thoughtfully step apart
A quiet bag of honey hidden in the corner
Lightning understanding flashes down
The ants crawling all over it, and on it and

Under it and inside it/ Honey
A gift left behind by a careless guest
Fury shakes me to my core/ Even as I
Wonder/ Was I once this careless too
Did I ever leave my hosts a gift of ants?

The Poet

O poet!/ Writing
Of lost love 
Why sigh and moan
Why obsess so 
Objectifying
Devaluing
Something - someone you 
Claimed to love 

O poet! Don't
Speak of lost flowers/
Of light or grace or laughter/ 
Of all the precious stones 
Of the world/ Don't speak 
Tonight/ of white robed ladies 
In ivory towers 

O poet! 
Each person their own
Master or mistress/ Riding 
White chargers into their own
Destinies/ O poet!
How dare we speak up
You and I/ For we have 
Nothing 
To do here with this
No one
To lend a ear 

O poet!/ Why?
Why did you lose your love?
Was it you?/ Was it them?
Was it cruel circumstance?
Honour and duty/ Parents' insanity
A Scottish poem dying 
In a tragic storm

O poet!/ Don't you see
'Tis madness to hold
Onto these/ Memories of a rain-
Drenched stroll/ Of kisses
Never stolen/ Of loves lost 
Before they began/ Of past selves 
Discarded and forgotten 

O poet!/ I seek to write 
A tombstone for my love long lost 
A death mask for a memory
A paean to a ghost living on 
In just my thoughts/ My sullen silence 
Missing words make up a poem 
To honour the fallen/
And the ones that never fought

Entity

Leaning in
Against walls as old 
As my time 

Points in time and space 
Where my history intertwines 
With that of this city 

A cool breeze blows in
A final farewell 
An apology for the hot summer days

If I could lean back
Sink into these walls 
Be one with them

If I could lay myself 
To rest for all time/ In crypts 
Of memories and bargain sales 

If I could be sure 
That I'd never again be separated 
From you my love, my home 

Why/ Then I'd fall back
In an instant disappear
Leave all else behind 

And over me would close 
All that's good and bad 
Memories, thoughts and tears

Flaws and perfection mixed in 
City and girl indistinguishable 
My eyes to close finally/ in contented bliss

Insomnia

A numbness in my fingers

A pain I can't appreciate 

Cramping hands and drooping eyes 

Twitching, twitching all the time 

I sat up all night yesterday 

And the night, the night before 

And every night this week, this month 

Begging, wishing, so desperate 

Come morning, and this delicate dawn 

Stealing in my windows and 

Glaring down on a tired mind 

Whispering of normalcy 

Don't frighten me, don't anger me 

Don't speak to me of normalcy 

Don't laugh at me, don't expect of me 

Don't treat me like in normalcy 

I saw a man who said he'd help

I saw a woman who wanted to 

I spoke I wrote I thought it out 

And sat up all night, every night 

I swallowed what they told me to 

I tried it forwards, and back again 

I read, I fled, I damn well despaired 

Of getting close to normalcy 

Don't call to me, don't come to me 

Don't expect any normalcy 

Don't ask of me, don't promise me 

I'm sick and tired of normalcy 

Faint hearted promises, all gone 

Faces voices hearts all gone 

I'd cry or laugh till the end of time 

If I thought it would buy me normalcy 

I'd sell my soul for normalcy 

I'd sell my love for normalcy 

I can tell you don't believe me but

I'd sell my mind for normalcy 

Such pride, such pain, so much envy 

I despise and yet admire 

Those that live their normal lives 

Steeped in contented ignorance 

Do you know of this unreality?

Do you know this floating feel

The sensation opposing normalcy 

The sense of sleep hanging round my neck 

Waiting, looming, hovering

Always just out of my reach 

I wish I pray I scream in rage 

Coz all I want is some normal sleep