Secret Shame

Watching those smiles freeze

Lips tightening into a universal badge

Of shame and honour, as conversation stills

Stumbles over a name, a face, a day of regrets

A night of stolen pleasure

Listening to the awkward silence deepen

Over a name left unsaid, a skip, a slip

Overlooked by chance, or the closest to it

An unspoken conspiracy narrowing into focus

Bound by ties of sisterhood superficial yet strong

Bound by common shame

Laughing inwardly in the midst of an unspoken silence

A scream wanting to burst outward, up, up and away

For we all have that secret blush

Over heavy lidded eyes that hide

Secrets many kill to know

Secrets I cannot afford to let slip

On a roll of dice, a gamble I cannot forsake

Nor yet flip my hand, letting sail merrily

On a game of Russian roulette

Forgive me my secret shame

And my sisters with me, for we all have

Our forbidden names, our forgotten faces

Suppressed desires shaken lightly off

And cloaked in the mantles of deceit and regret

Who Knows?

A monkey chant from someplace tribal

Maybe trivial, who knows, echoing in my ears

Laughter, tears, maybe another holiday

The best gifts, who knows, perhaps the ones not tied up

In ribbon, that is to say, I love you

Regrets far and few in between, who knows, perhaps I lied

To make you feel a better person, don't cry

Life's not a movie, who knows, cos I love the dance

Of madness, death, the one with twirls and little sense

Secure in swathes of colour, who knows, invading thoughts and little else

Coz life's full of malfunctioning buttons

On dresses, keyboards, and who knows, my lips too?

Cannot quite figure, where the music is from tonight

Or if there's a drunk girl, who knows, puking on shoes

Floundering in oblivion, but there's work to be done elsewhere

A glassful of water would be nice, who knows, this random stream 

Of thought might even be going someplace...

Who knows?

 

The Fog

Darkness darkened by the drink in her hand
No elegance, no classy clink of glass on glass
Vision blurring a night hard to fathom
Naked in its simplicity
And yet the fog rolled in 
From the corners of her line of sight


Hair cascading in an unruly swathe
Of colour undecided by the tenor of the night
The odd light glinting on the silver in her ears
Round hoops setting off the colour of her eyes


Arms and shoulders laid bare 
To the icy wind and twists of fate
Warmed by the liquid flowing freely
From hands to fingers, from tips to lips 


Registering snatches of words and laughter
In the midst of it all, and yet she found time 
For her thoughts, for a secret smile 
At a joke unseen, for a retort terse
Snatched from a dialogue long lost


In the present and yet not
Tangled in thoughts new yet old
A silent wall built up over time 
Did its job stolidly and well


She laughed and spoke 
To old friends and strangers new
Not knowing what songs 
Her words were used to sing
The bridge betwixt her thoughts and lips
Crumbling irreparably to the will 
Of a job well done


When shivering morning came she woke
Astounded, lost, retching with shame
For nothing had she done that beget that name 
And nothing curled within knowing itself tame 


Rejoicing in control, laughing at the loss of it
Silently crying secret tears bittersweet
Because at the end of the night, despite the dark
And her wildest dreams, all was still, forever the same 

Literally, Figuratively and Euphemistically

Wish I had known that/ What seemed so strong/ Has been and gone... (1973, James Blunt)


Tell me what you're thinking
Tell it to me a hundred times
Even when it never changes...


Tell me I look beautiful
Tell it to me a thousand times
Even though you never change your mind


Tell me you love me
Tell it to me a million times
Till the day none of us dream of
When it all begins

If I show you/ Get to know you/ If I hold you just for today...
Am I gonna wanna let go/ Am I gonna wanna go home...
Tell me you feel the same         (4 Real, Avril Lavigne)

Smiles are dimpling in and out
And I think of dreams and worlds
Where nothing has changed
Like the ocean within me
That barely notices the one drop

That sends ripples through my soul
And leaves me aching all over
Because I see the winds of change dancing
Over the tiny wave crests
Of that ocean within

It's funny coz there's now
A different meaning to every silence
And because I spend twice as much
Time thinking of you than I should
Simply because I think I'm allowed
For once in my life

I'm freakin' out/ And where am I now/ Upside down and I can't stop it now...
Can't stop me now... (Alice, Avril Lavigne)

Some pearls I'm not meant
To wear maybe it's strange
How many times I take the same chances
And shatter them against these diamond rocks
Everytime still hoping that my dreams
Will let you in some day

Waiting in the lobby
Of my dream home, I'd say
This isn't part of my journey
It's time to turn away and keep seeking

Coz it's the hunt I thirst for
Trapping the antelope and then watch
As it bounds away unhurt
Although I can see it's limping

It's why she shies away from human affection/
But somewhere in a private place
She packs a bag for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come (To The Moon and Back, Savage Garden)

Prickly Heat

It's tiring

The dry and how my eyes

Are refusing to tear up

Something's stinging them

I like to think it's the heat

And the dry; maybe the makeup

Is too much or perhaps

The songs on my playlist

Are all winter type songs

Ones that make me want to stand up

Dance and be all hot and bothered

Not ones that bring in the breeze

Of cooler, less calmer days

I'm dressed all wrong

Always feels like there's too much

Clothing on no matter how less

Is more

Lips are dry

So is the touchscreen of my little phone

All this water seems to evaporate

From the inside of my mouth

Is that sleep beckoning from the sidelines

Welcome rest under a very slow fan

Or is it just mockery in sheep's clothing?

Funny how I try and keep myself moving

Maybe I've been lying to myself all this while

And the guilt has brought me in

To my own special hell

The kind I don't believe in

Coz it's way too hot for that kind of thing

There are a million things I can stress about

But funnily enough the only thing

Stressing me out is how it's just too 

Hot to work

Or even stress

Afternoon Snow On My Window Sill

The sun smiles on my window pane

There’s a glitter on the ground outside

It’s a brisk breeze that brings me happy tidings

This afternoon while the morning snow

Is still fresh upon the ground

There’s a time to shovel

Snow off my garage driveway

I dance around with my shovel remembering

The time when we danced to a song

I can’t seem to remember anymore

The songs in my head are many

But it’s been so long since I thought of you this way

I wonder why in that crowded room

In my head I still can see no one but you

There are so many dreams I roll into

Someone dimpling in and out of them

I’d hold your hand and run across wild dream plains

Through so many different planes

Like children of the clouds

I hate bringing myself down

To below ground level and feel the burn

Of the shame flame across my cheeks

I hate myself for wanting to open my eyes

To the sight of your smile

The sun shines brighter the days I’m sad

It’s a dry, warm kind of day

And it’s melting up all the snow

My eyes feel heavy and tired

Coz I haven’t dreamt of you in awhile

I should be smiling into my pillows as I sleep

But I keep wishing the birds

Would sing just a little louder

Loud enough to drown out the voices in my head

Loud enough to drown out the sound

Of my heart giving up again